For some of us, finding the right love is a journey that starts with self discovery.
But what matters here is, as in any other challenge, the person you become in the process.
During my entire childhood I though of love as something that will save me from reality. My sensitivity was perceived as a problem by those who were too uncomfortable in their own skin, and too scared to face their own demons. That’s what we all do right? Blame in others our own weaknesses and darkness. We are just to afraid to confront our wholeness.
The only way to become fully authentic, is to embrace ourselves fully.
Healing
Until not long ago, I thought there were parts of me I should keep hidden. I was not even aware of them, but after a process of healing, I realized that far from being negative attributes, they were the most beautiful parts of me; longing to be seen and accepted.
So how do we heal?
First of all, we heal through relationships. There is no way around it. The more we expose ourselves to people, the more our ego is challenged. If you want to remain the same, go out with the same people. But if you want to stretch and expand, I’m afraid to tell you, you are gonna have to expose yourself to people with whom you feel uncomfortable. People who has attributes you admire, or may even be jealous of, because deep down they are embracing a live you are still too afraid of embracing yourself.
Ouch. That hurts. In a society where we cherish pretending, of course it hurts. But I am sensing we all are getting more and more tired of pretending. Pretending you are someone you are not, pretending you respect someone you don’t, pretending you are living a life that is wonderful when deep inside, you feel empty as hell.
And, believe it or not, we also heal through spending time alone. Loneliness is a very uncomfortable feeling that requires our attention, not our avoidance. Because what we find on the other side is a part of ourselves that needs us. The way to belonging is to feel home withing ourselves. Nobody said that it would be easy though.
When I listen to people, when I see people, what do I see? We all crave connection. We all crave to feel seen, to feel accepted. But how many of us take the initiative to expose ourselves first? To be fully vulnerable first? How are we going to create real connections if our minds are full of judgement all the time. If we, deep down, keep fooling ourselves into believing we are better than others: better looking, better prepared, better employees, better lovers, or what is even worst! Better victims.
Victims of a past that no longer serve us. Victims of the circumstances.
True love
So what is the path to true love?
After so many years, I realized that for me the first step has been to say no. No to people who are not good for you, to people you don’t want to become, to environments that are self-destructive.
Say no to habits that are killing you. To addictions, to plans that will cost you later on. That is the first step, because it will lead you to the next one: figuring out who you are. This used to scared me a lot. Who am I? Is there even a definite answer to that.
But now I know that our job is to get rid of layers, to go back to were it all began: our true selves. And this is even scarier. Everything is designed to distract us from being alone. So imagine the benefits if we actually did it.
When we spend time alone, we get to connect on a deeper lever to ourselves, and to embrace vulnerability with our loved ones. And this, I believe, is the final step: connection. When we connect from a willingness to inspire and feel inspired, we get to create authentic bonding.
But it starts from us. We cannot create real connections from a place of judgement. Assumptions are not allowed on the table. We all have our story. We all have our wounds and scars. And sometimes, the people with the most beautiful attitudes are the ones who have had the courage to face and overcome their struggles.
And that, to me, is inspiring.
So look for people who inspire you. Become someone who inspires others. Create your own path to true bonding and connection. At the end, you will learn to recognize and nurture the true love you are so deeply longing.
Book recommendation:
If you want to let go of attractions of deprivation, self destructive patterns in your love life and start embracing attractions of inspiration, I strongly recommend you the book: Deeper Dating: How to drop the games of seduction and discover the power of intimacy (2014), written by Ken Page. (I get no commission whatsoever from this recommendation 😉
Some insights from the book:
- “If we don’t tell our loved one what hurts and what we need, we may be depriving them of the opportunity to change”
- “She preferred being lonely to being in pain”
- “Making the decision to invest only in attractions of inspiration affects whom we notice and actually begins to change our attractions”
- Finding your tribe: “The most important element of wiser self-protection: finding the people who value your deepest nature, and toward whom you feel the same”.
- “She was avoiding intimacy because her gift didn’t feel safe in the world”.
- “The greatest antidote to fear of intimacy is intimacy itself”.
All the love xx